Coming Clean- A Dirty Joke

I admit to being a geek and enjoying machines. I also appreciate German engineering, and I have an old '95 Audi convertible. We don't get that much snow around here, so a couple weeks ago I took my daughter to the mountains to play in the snow. We had a great time, but when we got back, the car look liked it had come down with leprosy.

I normally wash the car the old fashioned way: by hand at home. But it is below freezing and all the hoses are put up, so I head over to our neighborhood car wash. This is the kind you put the quarters in the machine and grab the wand and do it yourself. Not cutting edge technology by any stretch of the imagination, but hey, It will get the job done. I look forward to applying the magic wand and curing my car of the dreaded salt disease.

I go to the bill changer and I find it is having a 2 for 1 sale. It takes my $2 and gives me only $1 worth of quarters back. Of course, this is a fully self reliant mechanical marvel of technology, and no human attendant is needed. There is a suggestion box where you can leave a message for the attendant, but the box is a rusting old mail box that is empty except for one old and yellowing piece of paper. I fill it out, but I really don't expect much. I dig in the car and find 2 quarters and think that would be enough for a quick rinse. I place the quarters in the slot without much thought and then read that it requires 6 quarters to even think about starting (insert joke about guys not reading directions). I push the return button, and I discover it is only for decoration, as it has no intention of giving me any of my money back. I'm now wondering if this control box and the bill changer up front are talking together and working the same scam stealing money from unsuspecting humans.  

I really want to get my car clean, and our home is only five minutes away, so I get in the car and go home to get the quarters that are sitting on my dresser. Since I mostly use plastic, I never know what to do with coins anyways.

I get back to the carwash, to the same bay where I'm wondering if some other person received my 50 cent discount, but the box still says that it is still waiting for 4 more quarters. (I'm not sure but I think I detect a slight demonic grin from the box.) I then insert my 4 quarters, and prepare to wash the car, thinking I have finally won the battle with the machines. The timer starts, I grab the wand, and start turning the dial to rinse.....Nothing but a few drops comes out of the wand. I turn the dial a couple of rounds, but to no avail. Drip, drip, drip. The timer keeps going happily oblivious to my need and growing frustration.

I head home, somewhat defeated. At home, my wife suggests I go to the drive-through car wash at the gas station. I put a new top on the car a few years ago and I generally avoid harsh car washes, but she says it is "touchless." How can you wash a car without touching it? Besides they cost more. I concede and head to the gas station feeling a little defeated.

I pay my money, and head to the entrance, enter my code, and drive into the bay until the stop light turns red. Squirt, squirt, foaming suds, squirt squirt. Kind of fun actually as I sit in the car. Now the rinse. Suddenly, high speed water is spraying in at me and I'm under attack. A direct hit to the face! The window is up, but my convertible was not designed for 100 mph rain coming in horizontally! I grab for a towel that happens to be in the rear seat. The attack came and went swiftly, but it is now attacking the other window! I do what I can to protect myself and the interior of the car but it is clear I'm out gunned.

The assault is over and the light turns green. I drive out and head home. My jacket is still dripping wet on my left side. Machines 2, Kirk 0. On the way home, I envision a horror film of a future world with machines and robots everywhere. Sounds like fun, we should be well entertained. After all I am a geek.



Easter is coming. Jesus came to wash our sins away. Sin that threatens to corrupt us, devour us, like salt on the car. I'm glad he uses the personal hand washing (or should I say foot washing) method instead of some crazed mechanical marvel.