No Veggies!

As part of praying about a position at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, where John Ortberg is the lead pastor, the three of us were watching John's series on Love Languages. One night as we were eating dinner, our 10 year old daughter was attempting to create her own custom diet plan that that did not happen to include vegetables. My wife, being the healthy nurse in the family, saw a need to correct her assumptions about diet by using consequence not entirely related to the subject of food. She stated the following to our daughter, "If you don't eat your vegetables you won't get to watch John Ortberg." I'm still laughing about this. That may be the first time in history a child was threatened with not being able to watch a sermon for not eating their veggies.
It is awesome to know that we don't have to be perfect. That God loves us for who we are, as we are, right now. Instead God just wants us to grow and learn. To trust not only in our own understanding but in a loving Father in Heaven. Jesus was perfect, so we don't have to be, and is here to show the way.
In the process it does not hurt to laugh a little at ourselves. I'm sure God gets a good chuckle out of me on a regular basis.

I wonder what Mary had to do to get Jesus to eat his vegetables? No more miracles until you eat your peas?

New Year reflection

It has been a long time since I updated my blog. I received encouragement fro my Christmas letter, hat I thought I'd try to pick up writing again. So let me start with a clip from my letter...

2014, what a year. I believe it takes the record for being the most challenging year ever. It was not that we were floating in a life raft for over a month, only to be beaten in a POW camp (reference the recent movie “Unbroken”). Still I would say we have had our own share of adventures. That being said, it was a good year, for we have loved, and we have been loved. We have grown, and we have learned much. God is faithful. I have not done a year-end letter in a while, and I think my writing is out of practice so...here goes...

Yes, we have suffered a great loss, and expect the pain to continue for a long time. Yet it does not control us, and in fact, it helps grow us. We are different people than we were a few years ago. Amazing, despite our unwillingness, growth happens. We have been given the gift of knowing more of what real love is like: how much God loves us, how much He has sacrificed for us, and how He desires a relationship with His creation. Vanda is no longer living with us and wants nothing to do with us. She left us after she turned 18 this past summer. It is hard looking at all the pictures we have of her and remembering all we have done with her over the last five years. We pray regularly that one day she will know and understand the love God has for her, and the love of a family. Our heart is with her, yet we have to let her go...Love does not insist on its own way, one of the many lessons we have been taught...

I've recently found some of the writings of Dallas Willard through another of my favorite authors, John Ortberg. In the book Love Beyond Reason, he says, “With this magnificent God positioned among us, Jesus bring us the assurance that our universe is a perfectly safe place to be.” It does not mean there is no pain, it just means we have a God that will help us through it. While I admit, I would rather avoid the pain and trouble, it can, and will be, made good.

We are blessed with living close to our wonderful families and also blessed to live in a great neighborhood. Some amazing people live here, yet we don’t spend as much time as we’d like with them. We are hoping to play more this year.

Let not your hearts get cold,

and may the love of the Trinity surround you,

and fill you with wonderful Joy!

First Hug

I know it has been a long while, over a year since last posting. I have been keeping a small journal, and hope to post more. I'm still recovering from the last few years. When entering the following journal entry I thought I might as well post it here. As I often say, thus has been a journey of learning what love is, and what love is not.

Love is patience, ....

Today I received a hug from our adopted teenage daughter. 

When she first came here, (almost 2 years ago) she never hugged anyone. My wife, the hug professional, has helped Vanda to hug and be hugged. Well, today, this morning, I got Vanda to grant me a small hug.

Yesterday, at her school, I observed her giving hugs to her male friend  (yes, shes attracted to him) and other girl friends, as they were going off to class. That afternoon I was talking with her, and asked her why she was able to give hugs to him, but not to me. She responded by saying that she always gives hugs to people when they offer one. (I think, she was trying to minimize the hug with him as we have cautioned her about male relationships.) So I said, "you always give hugs when offered?" She said yes. Later that night I reminded her again, and I could tell she was hesitant to the idea.

So this morning, as she was leaving, she gave her normal hug to Mom, and I saw my chance. I went to her, and asked where my hug was. She said that I needed to offer a hug first. I responded by saying that I have been offering hugs for two years. So I reached out gently putting my arms around her, and hugged her. At first she just stood there, so I moved her arms to wrap around me, and said, "that's a hug." We celebrate successes, no matter how small.

In another area of growth, we have been coaching her on expanding her friends, and reaching out to others.  I offered that if she needed help, she can text or call me. Later that afternoon, We have the following texting dialog:

Vanda: I had lunch with Julie* today ... And it was kinda akward...cazz she was doing hw and I tried to talk to her..

Vanda: I set with her for almous whole lunch, and she never asked me anything, it was me who was talking the most... I can't have a good lunch with her...so I walked for the rest 10 min around school... Them I found Susan*, so I was talking to her for a while, and she gave me a capcake!!! And then I went sai hi to Cheryl*  and everyone... But my lunch could be better...

Me: You are so good to let me know. It takes a strong person to do what is hard. I was reminded this week by pastor Roland that we should never get tired of doing what is good. Know that Julie* struggles with making friends too. 

Me: After school, let Julie* know that you are wanting to have some fun with her this afternoon and that she is important. Then get out the slime and sneeze on her :-)

Vanda: Hehehe ok ill try!!!! 

It is so hard making friends as a 16 year old!  I'm thankful for the hug, but also that she reached out to me with her struggles. Progress is good, and slow is okay. 

Such is the Love God grants to us. His love is very patient, and much more.

* The names are not the actual names.

Parenting is not for wimps. Neither is adoption.

Wow! What a ride. 

      On June 25^th we celebrated knowing Vanda for one year. To celebrate we went to Vanda’s favorite restaurant, Cici’s Pizza. She had been looking forward to going… Too bad, she was withdrawn and closed the entire time we were there. That is but a brief snapshot of the roller coaster ride of emotions we have been experiencing. Fortunately, we have great friends, and a loving God who provides us wisdom along the path.

      As anyone knows, communication with a teenager is tricky business; it is the same for us, except we have little or no foundation for our relationship. This foundation is a work in progress, and we have much ground to cover. It’s kind of like building a car while driving down the road. Talk about a thrill ride! Woah! Look out for that tree! (Flashback to George of the Jungle). For months, the only time Vanda would look at u was when she wanted something. So we made those times teaching moments. She would ask, “Can I do Facebook?” It is then that I could talk to her about some issue or attitude. All other times she would shut us out. If we dared to say “no” to one of her requests, she would likely spiral into anger and we would then have to wait out the silent storm. In between these challenges, there have been bursts of giggles and playfulness. Vanda has a great sense of humor; it is a medium that we can use to communicate with her… if we only remember to play ourselves.

      Vanda is an accomplished artist. We wanted to find a way to help her develop her gift, and we found this great studio for her called Le Studio. The teacher is from France by way of Lebanon, is very talented, and sees and encourages Vanda’s gift for art. She has just started her first oil painting. I have started an online artwork album; feel free to check it out. Vanda's Artwork

      There have been many new addition to Vanda's life since joining our family. Two of the additions are rats. Yes, real live, can't-believe-Beth-let-them-in-the-house rats. She does good at taking care of them and we hope it helps her feel more apart of our family and appreciate the value in family.

      Vanda really wanted to earn some money. Perhaps she heard of this crazy place, called the land of opportunity. She has been washing and cleaning cars, mowing yards, and walking dogs. Like most things she does, she works hard and wants to make everything “beautiful.” Beautiful is one of her favorite words. If you can drop off your car, two hours later she will have it looking like new inside and out.

      Now for the most amazing part of our story. I’m not sure I can accurately describe the amazing change we have witnessed. It has to be the power of prayer. Until just recently, Vanda would rarely look at us (only when she wanted something), and would recoil as the slightest touch. At night, she would literally hide under the sheets when we came to say prayers with her. Everyone knows that Beth is addicted to hugs, and she hugs everybody. Not being able to hug Vanda has been very hard for us, but especially for Beth. With an amazing amount of gentleness, play, and patience, Beth has taught Vanda how not only to receive hugs, but also to give them. After months of rejection, Vanda is looking deep into Beth’s eyes, embracing her, and connecting to Beth. Vanda will even give me a hug, but only at prayer time and only after making sure Beth get the bigger hugs.  That is ok, this journey has just begun, and we are on the right path.

      We leave in a few weeks for our third trip to Latvia. We really don’t know what to expect but are sure we will witness God’s hand in it. It may be difficult for Vanda and we do not know the next time she will be able to return to her place of birth, the places and people she has been a part of for 14 years. Your prayers are appreciated.

      Each week we can see how God is teaching not only Vanda but us as well, what a family is and more importantly, love. Love is truly the greatest gift God has given us, and we all have much to learn about it.

Adopted into God’s family,

Kirk

Let there be joy!

All teenager

    It has been 11 days since we returned from Latvia. It seems like Vanda has been here much longer. With us hosting her this summer, and our 3 weeks in Latvia, we have become a family is a short amount of time. I think Beth and I are ahead of Vanda in this area as she certainly has the harder part of this adventure; It is hard to comprehend the amount of change she is experiencing. She does not speak much of her feelings, but I do my best to understand and interpret her responses to life’s situations. Looking back, I can see how her time here this summer is much different from her time now, but there are connections. I do think it was one of the many pieces that have helped Vanda with this transition. She grieved while in Latvia but she is happy to be here with us.

    Vanda is attending school with me 4 days a week, but it is more like homeschooling. She attends Art, PE, and Technology, and watches Dance. As for many her age, dancing is a bit scary, but the teacher, Sara Keys, is wonderful and Vanda is connecting with the girls. I ‘m still trying to find and understand the resources I need to help her with her core subjects. I feel like I’m getting another crash course in education. Daily she is using an Internet program called Live Mocha. Other than the program runs slowly during the day, it is a good program and is helping Vanda with her English skills. Vanda is doing well with her English, and her vocabulary score is very high. Her biggest struggle is with grammar and forming sentences. We have very few problems in understanding each other with our daily communication.

    While we are still figuring out routines and such, Vanda is already an integral part of our family. The other night I found myself sitting at a table with four delightfully giggling girls: Vanda, Sarah, Alyssa, and of course, Beth. I am certainly outnumbered. Lord keep me strong.

    I’ve saved the best for last. Today, Spring must have caught Vanda. While we have had temperatures even into the 80’s, Latvia is just reaching into the 40’s. Vanda wanted to go swim in the lake. Yes the lake. It was the highlight of her time she spent with us this past summer. We told her that today the water would be cold, but she is a teenager after all. I am a believer in experiential education so I said sure. She was so excited. For the rest of the story, see the following video.

    Vanda has added to the laughter and joy in our home. I was thinking today; we do not pick our biological children, God sends them. In much the same way, we did not choose Vanda, God sent her, and God, the very best Father, knows how to give good gifts.

Happily connected to God’s family,

Kirk

For more pictures, see https://picasaweb.google.com/Bleavins/LatviaTrip1#

Letters for Vanda

    Tonight I told Vanda it was time to practice her English. We had already had a session this morning and she was reluctant to do more. I then presented her with about 100 (I really should count them) letters from the 7th grade class at her new school, Community School of Davidson. Her eyes grew wide and I told her this stack of papers was for her, from her new classmates. She was amazed and eagerly started reading each and every one. She smiled, and giggled as she read them aloud, Beth helping her with only some of the words. Ohhh, Ahhh she would say as she related to such things as “I like sports”, “I love my Art class”, and “The teachers here are really nice.” At one of the letters, Vanda and Beth were laughing so hard Vanda said her stomach was hurting. The laughter was good and I believe healing, as we have noticed that while Vanda is excited and committed to living with us in America, she is having a hard time with saying goodbye to her friends and family at the foster home. Vanda read aloud in English non-stop for an hour and fifteen minutes. She read until her speech started slurring, but she was determined to read every one of the letters. Vanda even said, “Thank you God” as she read one of the student’s letters. This was a moment to remember.

    I am very grateful that God has set it up for Vanda to go to this school. These letters say a lot about the school and its environment. The kids mentioned how the school has an anti-bully policy, how the school is accepting of everyone, how the teachers are fun and good, how the kids enjoy learning, they learn a lot, and how new kids to the school are always treated well. Each letter was full of honest encouragement and genuine interest. I went to the school not for my kids, but because I heard it was the best place to teach. Now I am blessed to have both.


    We are enjoying being part of a much larger community. Parenting was never meant to be performed alone.

Kirk, Beth, and Vanda too!

We ended the day with some fun father daughter play.

Week 1 with Vanda

     Today marked our first full week here with Looking back I can see steady growth as we work to knit her into our family. Yes, I did say work. While I had hoped for a vacation, all of us are having to work a bit. Parenting, regardless of the age, requires major effort. There have been tears, rebellion, frustration, fears, and misunderstandings to work through as we learn more of her past, and she learns what to expect from us. And we are not done. We have also seen the importance of teamwork in our marriage and how we must be united to be the parents we are called to be. As friends have reminded us, this is not a sprint, but a marathon, one step at a time,  just like all parenting. 

Vanda. One week from tomorrow we will leave for the U.S.! 

     Today was a good day. We met with the orphan court directors in our hotel room just before lunch for about 25 minutes. They walked the 30 minutes (round trip) from their office to the hotel. People here walk everywhere. Yes, there are plenty of cars too, but walking is the norm. Daugavpils turned their main street into a walking street, one of the first cities in the area to do so. Back at our hotel, I introduced Vanda to a typing program today, and she was at it for over 90 minutes. We am seeing that she loves to learn. For our family outing today we went bowling, followed by a trip to our favorite place for dinner, Cili Pica (Chili Pizza). This evening we continued our daily bible reading. This accomplishes many things at once. It is a great family activity, we read aloud, we share thoughts, it strengthens her English skills, and we all gain a greater understanding of the greatest book. Another multipurpose activity we have started is that of journaling. Journaling provides great practice in transferring thoughts into English words, as well as documenting our trip, and giving her practice writing in English.

     Vanda is quite social and enjoys talking with her friends, via the many modern communication tools we have surrounded ourselves with. Her treat at the end of the day is to sit in front of the computer connecting with her friends. 

    We are very thankful for being able to see the growth over the week and for a very teachable spirit Vanda has had all day. She went to bed a very  happy girl.


One of the adopted,
Kirk, Beth and Vanda too!


For more pictures go to: picasaweb.google.com/Bleavins/LatviaTrip1#

Obstacles and a growing love

        As we approach the Christmas holiday, we all think of our kids. While Vanda is not officially our child, our hearts do not know that and they beat for joy when we hear her sweet voice.  Just like our other children, we love learning about what is going on in their lives, and being a part of their growing process.  We just have two small issues of her being so far away and speaking another language. I am convinced that it is love which bridges the gap. Love is such an amazing thing, a miracle in and of itself. I can’t explain it, let alone understand it.

        So how do we send love to a child who is over 4000 miles away, in a different language and culture? This is new territory for us. This week during one of our Skype conversations together we drew this picture. While neither Beth nor I claim to be an artist, it is something fun we can do with Vanda that helps cross the divide of miles and language. We have been thinking of what we can send to Vanda for Christmas. So what do you give someone who has nothing? While Vanda does have some possessions, they all can fit into a small backpack; such is the life of an orphan. I’ve thought about that this week, and how different life is for us having grown up with a family in the USA. As a child, I had “my” room, clothes, toys, etc. I doubt I will ever fully understand the life of an orphan but I am learning.

        Many of you have commented on how you like being a part of our adventure through this blog. I am glad as this adventure is far too big not to share, and it is much more than the money. It is a journey of education and an exploration into the depths of love, compassion, commitment, and sharing of relationships. Your prayers and comments encourage us greatly in this process. As we progress through the paperwork jungle, I am realizing that the waiting process may be harder on us than it is on Vanda.

        We have had a minor delay in the process with Beth’s fingers. It would seem she is well suited to be a thief. (Who would have thought this?) She has no printable fingerprints as her fingers are too smooth. As a result, she has had to go to Charlotte twice, get two rejection letters from Texas, and spend an hour at the Davidson police station getting a letter saying they have no record of her being a criminal.  The good news is, as of Thursday, we have been approved! Now we are waiting, (there’s that waiting thing again) for the official letter, and will have to take it to Raleigh to get an apostille so it can be sent to Latvia. Our hope is to be able to send it with another family who is traveling to Latvia instead of paying DHL $120 to take it. Sometimes I wonder why there are so many barriers, but I am reminded that to be a good parent, (or even a husband for that matter), we have to be committed, regardless of the barriers. In doing so our love is strengthened and God is glorified.

        Speaking of things outside our control, our fundraising is going well. it seems every day someone asks if they can help in both big and small ways. One of the big ways people are helping is where we have had people offering to organize fundraisers for us. (It must be obvious, this is not our gift.) Our most recent is the Family Night at Friendly’s.  What is better than it being a fundraiser, is it is an opportunity to for the youth to start to connect to with Vanda. We hope this group to become one of Vanda’s support groups as she transitions to life in America. One of the kids in the group was also adopted from East Europe as a teenager.

We feel a great sense of community and we share this adventure with our friends and family.

Each of the obstacles we face, I am certain, will serve as a tool for growth for us and for Vanda. Just as a spring flower struggles against the dirt and eventually breaks through to reveal its regal petals, this journey will be the start of helping a Vanda come into the sunlight of her life and in the process our roots will grow deeper.

Peace and strength to you this Christmas season,

kb

Let's Play

 Let’s Play

They say it is the best way to play,

Much better than today.

Play tug a rope,

It will break without hope.

Play tag and don’t get hit,

You are always it.

Play Ping-Pong,

You are the ball too long.

Play telephone,

                But there is no one home.

Play hide and seek without a sound,

                For you are not found.

Play a different game,

There are no rules and it is all the same.

Hey kids, want to play divorce?

                It is for the best, of course.

First Date

My 5 year old daughter and I are dressed in our finest. She in a princess white dress, I in a suit and tie. As we enter the building she sees a decorated archway and other young girls all dressed up for the evening with their favorite guy. Unknowingly, she begins to walk on her toes; in her mind she is walking on air. It is an attempt to be big enough to contain all the excitement of the occasion. Before entering the “dance hall” we stand in line to get our picture taken. As we wait, she is in constant motion looking for her friends. We smile pretty for the camera and then we walk back up the line that has grown in length from when we arrived. As we do, you can feel the excitement of all the girls as they admire each other’s formal attire. The excitement from the girls is not to be contained.

The gymnasium has been transformed into a dance hall. There is a live DJ standing on the dimly lit stage. The music is playing and there are multi-colored lights spreading patterns of color across the floor. White Christmas lights have been hung across the room providing an almost magical ambiance to the room. There are chairs around the room, currently unoccupied. At the far end of the room is a long table full of treats and refreshments.

As we enter, the music engages her feet and we dance. We are not alone; by the second, more proud fathers enter hand in hand with their princesses. Before long, the room is filled with people, music, dancing and that special relationship that exists between a father and his daughter. LOVE

My daughter is now in bed and I am trying to capture this special moment in time. It is a special event to go on your first date. It may blur in her memories but I think it will remain in mine. Her little body is tired, yet she is having a hard time winding down from the excitement of the evening. The cough she has had the last couple of nights does not help with getting to sleep.

Now I hear her calling for mommy, probably still having trouble going to sleep. What’s that? You need help? Oh no! We are now seeing a different kind of memory. The memory of what she had eaten: the cookies, the cheeseburger, the fries (all from our very special dinner at McDonalds before the dance, her choice of course) are all having an encore performance. Further proof she had too much fun!

Children have this wonderful ability to help us keep life on the real side. We need to embrace it. Does throwing up detract from my princess’s experience? No. It will be the same for me; actually, it makes the memory much better. Keeping it real!

Tradition

   Tradition is one of the words that seems “old fashioned.” It’s like the word itself is wearing a tight fitting collar and shoes so stiff.  We like the fresh, innovative, stimulating, and the undiscovered; As I allow my mind to return to my youth, those sweet childhood memories, what do I recall? It’s the traditions! The ones that bring back the aroma of bread baking, or the taste of a fresh baked pie, licking theicing off the beaters of the mixer, the noise of a family gathered around the dinner table, or the waking up of Dad and Mom on Christmas day.

     When I think of traditions; I initially think of Christmas and Thanksgiving. It seems we try to pour a year’s worth of tradition into two days: the decorations, the cards, the food we eat, the songs, rushing to church, the ways in which we greet (or don’t greet) our family. OK I’m tired just thinking about it. Now as I pause to really think about it, I think the best traditions are the simple ones. Traditions, like a small sapling with its roots growing quietly into the folds of our memory.

    A simple tradition we have started with our daughter is the reciting of prayers by the bed at night. After going through all the required “traditions” of getting into pajamas, brushing teeth, getting a drink, and more; a little girl runs excitedly to tell Mom “we’re ready for prayers, we’re ready for prayers.” Come on Mom! I’ll race you upstairs!” She is still unwinding and her energy does not reflect the intention of her parents. We turn out the light, and approach the side of her bed. Mom on one end, and I am on the other, we are like bookends embracing a treasured book. We kneel by the side of the bed. The music of the day is still dancing within her. She may hear a sound, like the sound of a small branch falling off the tree outside, but in reality it is my knees, a part of this gift called aging. She kneels between us, and is still, well, as still as one her age can be. 

        The prayers can vary but always ends in a sweet, soft voice, “Thank you God…and keep us safe as we sleep tonight...Amen.” Then she explodes upon the bed, for the grand finale of hugs and kisses. My heart leaps, my body grows stronger, and my mind is washed with joy. As a father, life takes on a new dimension. I am temporally transported to a divine place where you feel the loving, pure energy of a four year old wrapping her arms around you and holding you with all her joy. Then she follows up with a kiss so tender that it’s as if breath was just born. 

   

    The music goes on, the door closes gently and another tradition floats into the memory of youth and parents alike; and the roots grow a little bit more.

Above the Crowd

By popular demand I have a Picture of Brenden! As you can see he is "head and sholders" above the crowd. Are we not supossed to stand out from the crowd? A title of one of my favorite books is "Everybody's Normal, until you get to know them" It is a great book about our need for community and how "community pays dividends in happiness, health, support, and growth." It is by John Ortburg if you are interested.

Enough of the advertisments, Brenden is going strong in his Senior year. Playing in the band, Rugby, Studies, driving, and he is quite the socialite!

As Alyssa says "Go Brenden Go!"

First filling for Alyssa!
Was it traumatic? Were there screams and cries?

Well, actually......no. What no wild yelling? What fun is that? Why go to the Dentist then?
So why not? Perhaps, she was prepared. She knew that it would be different than before but similar to getting her teeth cleaned. She knew she might get a shot. She also knew that the people involved cared for her, the dentist, the assistant, and her daddy. Daddy took time to explain to her and so did the assistant and the dentist. She also had her Pooh-Bear!

So how can we be prepared for life's inevitable pains?

• First of all know they are coming, @!&%! Happens
• Put your trust in those who care for you
• When they fail (as we all do), put your trust in God
• Keep your "Pooh-Bear" close

kb

The Bird has wings!

Today we took Sarah, our oldest, to college. My, what an adventure the last year has been leading up to this day. We talk about pushing the bird out of the nest as a common occurrence, yet it does not feel common and has many perspectives and pieces to it.

Start with the young adult bird, there is some fear involved for sure, but there is also excitement.
They won't really "push" me out of the nest will they? How about riding on your back for a while? Or, don't they offer training wings, with ropes or something? Well the idea of getting out of this crowded nest IS appealing, and the grass over in the next field does look a lot greener, Those other birds do look like they are having fun…..……Do I really have to feed myself?, what do I do if it rains? Don't they have a "Worms to Go" delivery service? Do I have to be an early bird, or is that just a nasty rumor. How about the"sleep till noon" bird gets the worm, now you are talking!!

Then there is the papa bird, eager to see the fruits of all those years of training.
Hmmm, do we use our arms or our feet when we push them out of the nest??? Why does one little bird need so much stuff? You want me to bring it where? When I was young I flew against the wind, in freezing cold, for 50 miles to….Yea dad, we've heard it before, get real.

Then the momma bird, yes the MOM.
She can't really be old enough for this, can she? Can we at least look into those Training Wings? How about a few more years of flying lessons? Those other birds are not very nice, you need to be careful, be careful of what you drink, you're not really going to wear that, now papa,…. she is only young, and speaking of papa, remember what you were like when you were young? And don't give me that upwind story, I know better! Did I tell you about boys…..

The truth is, change is hard, but necessary and no one does it perfectly. The young adults still need their parents and the parents can still learn from the young (weather they care to admit it). We all need to realize that we can't do this on our own. We will fail and we will need forgiveness. We will need hope for a new day. We need to learn and grow. Most of all we all need Love. Love like that of one who is willing to lay down his life for others. That is what real parenting is.

For Pictures of our adventure in Vermont see:
http://picasaweb.google.com/Bleavins/Vermont2008

Our little dancer

Our little dancing girl went public last week. She was sooooo excited. She had to wait to wear her outfit until the dance practice. That day she was just beaming with excitement. She wanted to know where we were going to be sitting and the first thing she did once she got on stage was to look for us and wave! The place was packed and I’m afraid I did not get real good pictures but hopefully the following will give a good sample. Click on the link below the picture for more.

She is currently interviewing agents and setting up autograph sessions so stay tuned ;-)

http://picasaweb.google.com/Bleavins/Dance

Kids in Community

Growing up in a family is a wonderful thing.
Growing up in a community is even greater!

Now I am far from an expert in parenting but I have observed this in action and think it would be good to see more of it.

One of the first times I saw this done intentionally was at a church camp with about 30 families. We encouraged each other to "Share our kids." What that meant was that while all kids had to be with an adult at all times, it did not have to be their parents. We were to look after each others kids. This worked out extremely well. We were all there to "get away" to "retreat", the kids including. This allowed the kids and parents to get away from each other but not from being responsible. The kids generally acted better for other parents and the parents were easier on another’s kid. Basically, we supported each other. Community.

Another area of kids and community is in ongoing relationships with kids and their parents friends. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, we all fail in various ways. By other adults getting involved in our kids lives they can affirm our strengths, and even pick up where we are weak. This is a particularly great role for grandparents. Back in the "old days" there were not many sociologists but there were grandparents. Grandparents have the unique experience of "been there done that." They have also coached us through some of the very problems were are in the process of passing on to our kids! Gasp! Can it be true? Where do you think we learned it from?

As kids grow into the teen years (Arghhhhh!) we need all the help we can get. So do the teens! Sometimes they need someone to talk to other than their parents. If a relationship of
caring and trust has been built, great things can happen. I've even read about how these friends come together with the parents as part of a "rights of passage" ceremony. A time when we all come together to celebrate and invite them into the next stage of maturity and responsibility.

It seems there is a tendency to isolate ourselves, to "do it on our own", to keep it "in the family" to not let others see our "dirty laundry." An inward focus is not productive, especially in the long run. After all, we all have needs, failures, and yes, we all have "dirty laundry" , so why try to hide it. It only grows more mold. Get it in the wash with all the other dirty stuff, apply soap, mix it up and poof, it comes out clean! Soap is an outside ingredient. it is an agent to remove the dirt.

Now this is not without difficulties or obstacles. With the above tendencies, we get three similar problems. One from the kids, saying "you can't tell me what to do" the second and third from the parents, "That's not my kid", or "I'm the one who tells my kid what to do." Community does not happen by accident, it has to be intentional. It takes refinement and work. We have to communicate the concept to each other, and to our kids. Especially in this day and age, where community is not the norm. We need to act like we want our kids to. To admit our mistakes, be willing to grow from them, to show mercy. It's the old "Golden rule" thing. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. To love each other.

We need to teach our kids to really respect adults, especially their grandparents, and the people we have chosen to be our friends. We need to talk openly with our friends about our values, and beliefs. We need to ask for their help. (Arghhhh, not that!). We need to be vulnerable and humble enough to admit mistakes and weakness. Community can build stronger people, that understand the strength of true humility.

Parenting is not a solo act, it is not even a duet, it requires a whole choir to do it well.