Coming Clean- A Dirty Joke

I admit to being a geek and enjoying machines. I also appreciate German engineering, and I have an old '95 Audi convertible. We don't get that much snow around here, so a couple weeks ago I took my daughter to the mountains to play in the snow. We had a great time, but when we got back, the car look liked it had come down with leprosy.

I normally wash the car the old fashioned way: by hand at home. But it is below freezing and all the hoses are put up, so I head over to our neighborhood car wash. This is the kind you put the quarters in the machine and grab the wand and do it yourself. Not cutting edge technology by any stretch of the imagination, but hey, It will get the job done. I look forward to applying the magic wand and curing my car of the dreaded salt disease.

I go to the bill changer and I find it is having a 2 for 1 sale. It takes my $2 and gives me only $1 worth of quarters back. Of course, this is a fully self reliant mechanical marvel of technology, and no human attendant is needed. There is a suggestion box where you can leave a message for the attendant, but the box is a rusting old mail box that is empty except for one old and yellowing piece of paper. I fill it out, but I really don't expect much. I dig in the car and find 2 quarters and think that would be enough for a quick rinse. I place the quarters in the slot without much thought and then read that it requires 6 quarters to even think about starting (insert joke about guys not reading directions). I push the return button, and I discover it is only for decoration, as it has no intention of giving me any of my money back. I'm now wondering if this control box and the bill changer up front are talking together and working the same scam stealing money from unsuspecting humans.  

I really want to get my car clean, and our home is only five minutes away, so I get in the car and go home to get the quarters that are sitting on my dresser. Since I mostly use plastic, I never know what to do with coins anyways.

I get back to the carwash, to the same bay where I'm wondering if some other person received my 50 cent discount, but the box still says that it is still waiting for 4 more quarters. (I'm not sure but I think I detect a slight demonic grin from the box.) I then insert my 4 quarters, and prepare to wash the car, thinking I have finally won the battle with the machines. The timer starts, I grab the wand, and start turning the dial to rinse.....Nothing but a few drops comes out of the wand. I turn the dial a couple of rounds, but to no avail. Drip, drip, drip. The timer keeps going happily oblivious to my need and growing frustration.

I head home, somewhat defeated. At home, my wife suggests I go to the drive-through car wash at the gas station. I put a new top on the car a few years ago and I generally avoid harsh car washes, but she says it is "touchless." How can you wash a car without touching it? Besides they cost more. I concede and head to the gas station feeling a little defeated.

I pay my money, and head to the entrance, enter my code, and drive into the bay until the stop light turns red. Squirt, squirt, foaming suds, squirt squirt. Kind of fun actually as I sit in the car. Now the rinse. Suddenly, high speed water is spraying in at me and I'm under attack. A direct hit to the face! The window is up, but my convertible was not designed for 100 mph rain coming in horizontally! I grab for a towel that happens to be in the rear seat. The attack came and went swiftly, but it is now attacking the other window! I do what I can to protect myself and the interior of the car but it is clear I'm out gunned.

The assault is over and the light turns green. I drive out and head home. My jacket is still dripping wet on my left side. Machines 2, Kirk 0. On the way home, I envision a horror film of a future world with machines and robots everywhere. Sounds like fun, we should be well entertained. After all I am a geek.



Easter is coming. Jesus came to wash our sins away. Sin that threatens to corrupt us, devour us, like salt on the car. I'm glad he uses the personal hand washing (or should I say foot washing) method instead of some crazed mechanical marvel.

No Veggies!

As part of praying about a position at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, where John Ortberg is the lead pastor, the three of us were watching John's series on Love Languages. One night as we were eating dinner, our 10 year old daughter was attempting to create her own custom diet plan that that did not happen to include vegetables. My wife, being the healthy nurse in the family, saw a need to correct her assumptions about diet by using consequence not entirely related to the subject of food. She stated the following to our daughter, "If you don't eat your vegetables you won't get to watch John Ortberg." I'm still laughing about this. That may be the first time in history a child was threatened with not being able to watch a sermon for not eating their veggies.
It is awesome to know that we don't have to be perfect. That God loves us for who we are, as we are, right now. Instead God just wants us to grow and learn. To trust not only in our own understanding but in a loving Father in Heaven. Jesus was perfect, so we don't have to be, and is here to show the way.
In the process it does not hurt to laugh a little at ourselves. I'm sure God gets a good chuckle out of me on a regular basis.

I wonder what Mary had to do to get Jesus to eat his vegetables? No more miracles until you eat your peas?

Who is in charge here?

      I am sure many of you have the same thought as I: Wow, what a year! Or was it: Whew, what a year?

Over the past few years, Beth’s family has had a fun tradition. Beth’s dad comes up with a variety of topics and everyone submits their predictions. At the end of the year, he awards a prize to the winner. I rarely do very well. My ability to predict the future is extremely limited. Last January, had I attempted to predict what would happen in 2010, I would have been nowhere close. 

      I think there is a simple reason we can't predict the future -- we are not in charge! That seems plainly clear to me as I look back. I go back to the story of the angel telling Mary what is about to happen to her. It all must have sounded so absurd and scary. So I thought I'd try to write what an angel might have said to me last January.

Your family will grow. (Go on, tell me more)

You will meet a girl and she will capture your heart. (Sounds like trouble)

You will become more united with your wife. (How does this fit with the previous?)

Your relationship with your children will grow.

You will become a full time teacher and have your own classroom before finishing your degree (What happened to one step at a time?)

You will face new challenges. (I'm not so sure I'm done with my current challenges)

You will be called to a new church. (I’m listening)

You will attend funerals and weddings. (Do I get to pick?)

You will learn to get by on less sleep and do more. (Not again)

You will have to document your life and present it to people in strange lands.  (huh?)

You will learn more of the needs of God's children around the world. 

You and your wife will raise more than $15,000 for a very worthy cause. (You are kidding me, right? I don't do fundraising, remember?)

You will be challenged to do more than you think can be done.

      Had I been presented with the above, I don't think I would have responded as well as Mary and Joseph did with their amazing news. Instead, I likely would have annoyed the messenger with my questions and comments and received some sort of curse. Then I would have fallen into worry and despair. How is this all possible? I'm already doing as much as I can. (Do angels ever say you are going sailing to a beach in the Caribbean?)

      While I may still try to foresee what the future holds, sometimes it is really better to not know. Looking back, I don’t see where I would change anything!  It’s all good.

      Do yourself a favor and never try to tell God you are doing as much as you can. He will reply, "My grace is sufficient for you,” and He will prove you wrong.

     I sometimes wonder if there is anything I should not be doing, but it is all good, so I will keep at it, trying my best to do what I’ve been called to do. So let the adventures continue! I look forward to sharing more adventures with you in this new year, new decade!

We are waiting for an invitation from Latvia. We are told this may take some time. Good thing I'm not in charge :-)

Kirk

If you would like to be on our prayer list, let me know. I give regular updates on our progress, as well as the specifics of our needs. 

Adoption = Adventure

        So what does one do while sitting in a car in the cold rain, waiting on documents to be processed? I know I’ll share our adventure with our faithful friends.

       We have had a lot happen in the last couple weeks. While school is winding down for the year, (happy dance)  a lot is happing with our adoption. Last week we had a great time at a fundraiser at the Friendly’s in Huntersville.  The owners, in conjunction with our church youth group, set up a family night event with 10% of the evening profits to go to our adoption. It was fun to talk to people and introduce Vanda via a movie of pictures projected on a sheet that our youth pastor had set up.  We all had fun, and the place was full all evening! Well up until Alyssa had too much fun, (Yes there is such a thing) and after dropping her ice cream, started crying. She then progressed to coughing, which was followed by her showing us her dinner, all her dinner -- all over the floor.  Fortunately, most of it landed on a carpet, which the staff, quickly rolled up and moved outside. Despite the ending, we were encouraged by so many who wanted to show their support for Vanda. Our hope is that this youth group will become part of Vanda's support structure here.

        At this point, we were hopeful to receive notice from Latvia before Christmas. Well, that did not last long. Due to the fingerprinting escapade we thought I was going to have to run to Raleigh to get it certified, and we were scrambling to see if it all could be done in less than 24 hours to get it to a family leaving for Latvia. Well, as we resigned that it was not going to happen, we receive an email, saying a scanned copy would suffice for now and we could just mail the document for certification in Raleigh. All right! We are on track again, or so we thought.

        A few days later, we get another email saying requirements have changed, and we need to send three apostilled certified copies of our divorce documents, per divorce, to Latvia as soon as possible as our paperwork is now waiting on it….Great, another ASAP, jump through hoops as fast as we can trick. Are we part of a political circus act or what?

        So -- Beth was able to get to the courthouse to get our copies, and I made plans to take off Thursday to Drive to Raleigh.  Then we would have to overnight the documents to get them to a couple in Buffalo NY who are leaving Friday Noon.  Nothing like a little excitement to get the heart a pumping.

        Speaking of Buffalo, It only gets better. The weather forecast was for snow, sleet, and freezing rain. (I can't decide which of these I like more.) I leave the house at 5 am and get to experience all the above weather.  Returning to days gone by of living up North, I try to remember what was required when driving in such nasty stuff. Let me see, something to do with brakes…. I am thankful for a nice invention (since those days of old when we had to pump brakes) of anti-lock brakes. Yes, I had opportunity to test them, and they worked great, because at times I was driving on a thin sheet of ice. Weeeee look mom, no brakes.  (I'm ok mom, I'm not writing this from the hospital.) At one point in the pre-dawn morning, I saw a car in my rear view mirror swerve, and then smoothly, slid off the road and then came to a sudden stop in the grass. Not what the driver planned on for the morning, I’m sure.  The police were busy this morning. After about 2.5 hours of this fun, I stopped at a gas station to de-ice my wipers. There was more ice than wiper, and for some reason, they were not working well. Now to continue with the journey.

        Many of you know I am directionally impaired and require such things as a map or in these days, a GPS to get anywhere.  I had my phone in GPS mode when it decided it had enough fun as well. Turns out my car charger was not able to keep up with the demands of my phone, and the battery died. Yikes, I’m driving on ice and don’t know where I’m going. Yee - hah. (Perhaps I need to invest in homing pigeons.) I knew I should have printed out those directions.  I continue on, trying to remember the way, while I try to coax my phone to accept a few electrons and charge. At the last moment it came on and told me to take the next right. Ahh, there the place is.

        It is 9:15, I drop off the papers, and then call my wife. Beth answers and says, “I thought you were going to call when you got there.” I answer, "that is what I’m doing; a mere 4 hours after leaving, I have arrived."  Now I have to wait until 1:30 and find a place to overnight the documents. A simple task for a directionally impaired paperwork road warrior. The ride back promises to be less of an adventure, as the freezing rain has turned to a cold wet rain.

        Even after all this effort, we did not get our documents to the Family leaving for Latvia on Friday. UPS "overlooked" our package which was scheduled for a guaranteed 10:30 delivery in Buffalo. This resulted in me spending a couple of hours emailing, phone calling, and waiting with UPS and others to find the package and determine a course of action. At this point they have agreed to send the documents to Latvia. It won't leave until Monday as they needed various approvals as I insisted they were to pay the cost of getting it there. The agent I was working with asked me what to do if there is an extra cost associated with sending the package. My response was to have them talk to me (the unhappy customer). She said that department did not like talking to the customers,only the agents. I said, "fine, then just get the package there."

        It would seem that sometimes we need to fight for our children. In this case, I was  fighting with phone, email and paper.

        Like all good and worthy adventures, we are growing because of it.  God truly provides, both the challenges we need to grow and the means to go through them. I am very thankful, a bit tired, but thankful.

First Date

My 5 year old daughter and I are dressed in our finest. She in a princess white dress, I in a suit and tie. As we enter the building she sees a decorated archway and other young girls all dressed up for the evening with their favorite guy. Unknowingly, she begins to walk on her toes; in her mind she is walking on air. It is an attempt to be big enough to contain all the excitement of the occasion. Before entering the “dance hall” we stand in line to get our picture taken. As we wait, she is in constant motion looking for her friends. We smile pretty for the camera and then we walk back up the line that has grown in length from when we arrived. As we do, you can feel the excitement of all the girls as they admire each other’s formal attire. The excitement from the girls is not to be contained.

The gymnasium has been transformed into a dance hall. There is a live DJ standing on the dimly lit stage. The music is playing and there are multi-colored lights spreading patterns of color across the floor. White Christmas lights have been hung across the room providing an almost magical ambiance to the room. There are chairs around the room, currently unoccupied. At the far end of the room is a long table full of treats and refreshments.

As we enter, the music engages her feet and we dance. We are not alone; by the second, more proud fathers enter hand in hand with their princesses. Before long, the room is filled with people, music, dancing and that special relationship that exists between a father and his daughter. LOVE

My daughter is now in bed and I am trying to capture this special moment in time. It is a special event to go on your first date. It may blur in her memories but I think it will remain in mine. Her little body is tired, yet she is having a hard time winding down from the excitement of the evening. The cough she has had the last couple of nights does not help with getting to sleep.

Now I hear her calling for mommy, probably still having trouble going to sleep. What’s that? You need help? Oh no! We are now seeing a different kind of memory. The memory of what she had eaten: the cookies, the cheeseburger, the fries (all from our very special dinner at McDonalds before the dance, her choice of course) are all having an encore performance. Further proof she had too much fun!

Children have this wonderful ability to help us keep life on the real side. We need to embrace it. Does throwing up detract from my princess’s experience? No. It will be the same for me; actually, it makes the memory much better. Keeping it real!

Frugal with time

The following is a paper my sister wrote. She is also taking online courses to get her degree. Enjoy!

I have been told by some very reliable sources: mom, sister, husband, children and friends, that I am a slob. I don't know though. It seems to me that I just have different priorities. I think for instance, if you want things picked up and put away directly when someone is finished using them than you should do it yourself. If you want me to pick up than I think that maybe you should have the courtesy to wait until I'm ready to deal with that pesky little detail. If you would like the bathroom cleaned, I'll be glad to do that, when I feel that it needs to be cleaned. You must realize however, that my need for clean is probably not the same as yours. For instance, I don't necessarily think that soap scum needs to be removed until I see that the entire bar of soap is lining my shower wall; you however, may think that to be a little bit late for cleaning.

I don't care that the dog has left hair on the carpet. I have much more important things to do. I choose to play with the kids, cook dinner, mow the lawn, tend the garden, talk to my neighbor, write English papers, and balance my checkbook. Well, I think actually I would probably choose to do most anything that would help me to avoid having to pick up and/or clean. I don't see the need. After all, why bother? When I turn around after putting away the toys, they have magically reappeared right where they were before I spent the time putting them away. Why not just put the toy boxes in the middle of the floor? That's where all the toys go and then I don't have to work so hard at putting them back into the box. If I mop the floors, somehow within 5 minutes of finishing, some gremlin has run over them with mud and dog hair. Why not just leave things the way they are and quit wasting time? I can find may more productive things to do with the time I save.

If more people would be reasonable about what clean is, I think that less people would be so uptight about dust bunnies under the bed minding their own business. The bunnies haven't done a thing to me so why should I uproot them from the only home they've known? Besides, sweeping them up just gives me a fit of sneezing, so I leave them be and they leave me alone so that I can do better things, like say reading my Prentice Hall Reader, much better for the mind and not nearly so dusty.

I say if it isn't broken and you can walk around it, be happy. There's no shame in a non-tidy house. Just tell that nosy neighbor that you had more important things to do today (remember you were reading that novel that you didn't get around to on your vacation). Tell her you're saving it all for donations and as soon as you have enough you'll sort through it and let her have first pick. Tell her that the baby has the colic, your oldest got suspended and you have a sinus infection that prevents you from bending over; but she's welcome over any time for a visit. Tell her that your family is used to the house the way it is and if you changed now they would end up at her house because they didn't recognize their own. Tell her that life's too short to worry about the small stuff and so you've decided not to pick up all that small stuff.

I think that sloppiness is in the eye of the beholder. What is chaos to you is just unorganized piles to me. What you see as hopeless is full of tomorrow's projects just waiting to be thought of by me. When you see a sink full of dirty dishes, I see a term paper typed, edited and ready for submission. When you see kids in dirty clothes, I see mud pies, sand castles, finger paintings and fun. I think it's just a matter of opinion whether someone is sloppy or neat. In my opinion, I'm just frugal with my time.

Just another day

OK, whoever is out there praying for my life to be interesting, you can stop now. Thank you very much. I guess I could get mad at such things or I can make a fun story out of it….

On the first day that I get out and drive in almost 3 months, due to my leg injury, I just wanted to get out and celebrate my road to recovery. Did I want to make a difference in the world, was I looking for adventure? No, I just was going for a simple drive to the Y.

Our swim bags are packed, and we are ready to go swimming. I hobble to the car, get Alyssa in her seat, and hobble to the driver’s side. So far so good. I back out of the drive. The right foot is a bit tender but not enough that I can’t drive. We head on down the road and onto the highway. The YMCA is less that 8 miles from or house. I talked to my wife Beth, and she plans on meeting us there.

Then hiccup, hiccup, what is the car doing?!? Losing power, look at the gas gauge and it is resting very comfortably on the red line. Just great!. The car was last driven by our teenager…… Now to her defense Beth tells me later that she knew it was low but that Sarah could drive it to school and she would have enough to get to her class and back. (She forgot to inform me of this matter) Minor detail. Yea right.

So now what? I can’t pull off to the shoulder, as there is no shoulder. They have those wonderful cement barriers, because they are working on the road. (When are they not working on this road?) Traffic on this road is always bad, and now, I have the power to make it worse! I call Beth and humbly admit that I am out of gas and in the middle of the road. “Which road” she says. I say “The really busy highway, the one that has cars backing up for miles.” God, haven’t I been humbled enough? My wife has to bring me gas. Swallowing my pride is quite tasty. While I’m at it, I also decide to call Highway Patrol as I look behind me and see the entire city of Charlotte on the road behind me as I have successfully narrowed the road to one lane during rush hour. Gee, are we having fun yet?

Did I mention that we were in one of those areas on the Highway where cell phone reception comes and goes? Like halfway between 2 towers. So I’m having to repeat to the 911 people, Yes on I77, North, White, White Volvo, I77, North, (Please hold as we direct your call……….) Can’t they just look on all these cameras they have installed?

Watching my rearview mirror, wondering which car, or if my luck holds out a truck, is going to rear end me at 60+mph. I keep telling Alyssa that she is going to be the first to die, but daddy will be right behind. (No I did not say that!) I kept telling her that she needed to keep her seat belt on. Go ahead and try to explain to a 3 year old why we are just sitting in the middle of the highway while cars go speeding past. She says, can we listen to some music? Sure it may drown out the noise of the crash a bit.

Why am I thinking so negatively? We are in a Volvo! Hey if you are going to play in traffic, what better car to do it in. They may even make a commercial out of us, showing what happens before and after we get hit by a truck! Now we are talking!

A wonderful guy stops and pulls in front of me. Asks to help, and then after finding I was totally unprepared for such a situation, goes and gets a flare, lights it and places it a few car lengths behind me. Wow, there are helpful people in the world. Perhaps I should try that some time. Well the flair gave a nice space behind and reduced the possibility of getting hit. Well for all of 5, (maybe only 2) minutes, until people ran over it!!!! I think one actually was aiming for it! Did I say this was rush hour?

Well my wife gets there before Motorist Assistance does. I’m sure they would have gotten there before midnight. So there is really no easy way to get to me. We come up with a plan for her to go on the service road next to the southbound I77. All she will have to do it walk down a small hill, climb over the cement barrier, cross over 4 lanes of nonstop traffic to save her husband and child. Well my male pride kicks in (what little I have left) and I say to her via cell phone that I will come to her. Great heroic idea! I will help yo…. Oh I forgot. I’m on crutches!!! It is all I can do to hobble to the bathroom, let alone cross 4 lanes of traffic! Oh I also have a 3 year old that wants to get out and look at all the cars! So instead I’m going to get the privilege of watching my wife get hit by a truck trying to cross 77 during rush hour holding a can of gas. At least she will be happy; she has her phone with her.

Well an angel must have cleared the road because in under a minute of her getting to the highway, there is a break in traffic and she was able to walk across. She did not even have to sprint (my wife will tell you that she does not run) she walked. Well call it a quick stride.

So I sit in the driver’s seat as she puts gas in the car, enjoying my humble pie (mmm good). In a short while we are driving to the gas station where we fill it up. So now what shall we do? Aw heck, let’s have some fun and go swimming! I say, sure let’s live it up!

Lessons Learned:

• So if you are looking for a cheap thrill and a way to affect the lives of thousands of people (we had traffic backed up for miles) just head to your nearby Highway during rush hour and stop in the road and enjoy the view!


• If you every think that we are in control of our lives, that you know will happen in a day, you are either living in a padded cell, or clueless to the reality of life.