Growing up in a family is a wonderful thing.
Growing up in a community is even greater!
Now I am far from an expert in parenting but I have observed this in action and think it would be good to see more of it.
One of the first times I saw this done intentionally was at a church camp with about 30 families. We encouraged each other to "Share our kids." What that meant was that while all kids had to be with an adult at all times, it did not have to be their parents. We were to look after each others kids. This worked out extremely well. We were all there to "get away" to "retreat", the kids including. This allowed the kids and parents to get away from each other but not from being responsible. The kids generally acted better for other parents and the parents were easier on another’s kid. Basically, we supported each other. Community.
Another area of kids and community is in ongoing relationships with kids and their parents friends. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, we all fail in various ways. By other adults getting involved in our kids lives they can affirm our strengths, and even pick up where we are weak. This is a particularly great role for grandparents. Back in the "old days" there were not many sociologists but there were grandparents. Grandparents have the unique experience of "been there done that." They have also coached us through some of the very problems were are in the process of passing on to our kids! Gasp! Can it be true? Where do you think we learned it from?
As kids grow into the teen years (Arghhhhh!) we need all the help we can get. So do the teens! Sometimes they need someone to talk to other than their parents. If a relationship of
caring and trust has been built, great things can happen. I've even read about how these friends come together with the parents as part of a "rights of passage" ceremony. A time when we all come together to celebrate and invite them into the next stage of maturity and responsibility.
It seems there is a tendency to isolate ourselves, to "do it on our own", to keep it "in the family" to not let others see our "dirty laundry." An inward focus is not productive, especially in the long run. After all, we all have needs, failures, and yes, we all have "dirty laundry" , so why try to hide it. It only grows more mold. Get it in the wash with all the other dirty stuff, apply soap, mix it up and poof, it comes out clean! Soap is an outside ingredient. it is an agent to remove the dirt.
Now this is not without difficulties or obstacles. With the above tendencies, we get three similar problems. One from the kids, saying "you can't tell me what to do" the second and third from the parents, "That's not my kid", or "I'm the one who tells my kid what to do." Community does not happen by accident, it has to be intentional. It takes refinement and work. We have to communicate the concept to each other, and to our kids. Especially in this day and age, where community is not the norm. We need to act like we want our kids to. To admit our mistakes, be willing to grow from them, to show mercy. It's the old "Golden rule" thing. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. To love each other.
We need to teach our kids to really respect adults, especially their grandparents, and the people we have chosen to be our friends. We need to talk openly with our friends about our values, and beliefs. We need to ask for their help. (Arghhhh, not that!). We need to be vulnerable and humble enough to admit mistakes and weakness. Community can build stronger people, that understand the strength of true humility.
Parenting is not a solo act, it is not even a duet, it requires a whole choir to do it well.
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